Cheating man wants stand-in mistress for wife’s wrath

Somethings you just can’t make up…

BEIJING (Reuters) – A Chinese businessman has advertised on the Internet for a stand-in mistress to be beaten up by his wife to vent her anger and to protect his real mistress, Chinese media reported on Monday.

“When the woman found out her husband had a mistress, she insisted on beating her up,” the Beijing Youth Daily said, citing the advertisement posted on a popular online jobs forum on sina.com.

More than 10 people had applied for the job, the newspaper said. The “successful” candidate would be 35 and originally from northeastern China and would be paid 3,000 yuan ($400) per 10 minutes, it said.

Many Chinese businessmen keep mistresses in second homes, a trend banished after the Communists swept to power in 1949 but which has made a comeback with market reforms in recent decades.

Frankly I think it’s hilarious that the guy would go so far as to do this. Though what if his wife figures out about this ad and wants to check somehow to make sure this is really the cheating woman?

Of course the prospect of the money (winds up being $2,400 per hour) would be very appealing for plenty of women… Hell, if I was a chick I’d do it.

Though the whole part where she’s Chinese (and quite possibly adept at Kung Fu) really may be discouraging…

Mark

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Clowns are creepy, but this is too much.

Colombia clowns killed on stage

Two circus clowns have been shot dead during a performance in the eastern Colombian city of Cucuta, police say.

The attacker jumped into the arena and fired before fleeing, police chief Jose Humberto Henao told Efe news agency.

Local reports say the audience of about 20 people, mostly children, thought the shooting was part of the show before realising both men had been killed.

Last year, a prominent circus clown, known as Pepe, was also shot dead by a unknown assailant in Cucuta.

The motive for the latest killing remains unclear, police said. Local media reports suggest two attackers may have been involved.

One clown was shot in the head as he performed on stage, about an hour into the Circo del Sol’s evening show.

The second, named as 18-year-old Franklin Leal, from Cucuta, was then shot as he stood by the ticket booth, according to the newspaper La Opinion.

The travelling circus had set up in a suburb of Cucuta, capital of Norte de Santander province near the Venezuelan border, about 10 days earlier, the paper says.

As wretched as this all is, the only thing I can say is: “Homey don’t play that.”
Mark

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The “Hoohaa” Monologues?

It’s stuff like this that can make you lose faith in humanity… It’s guessed they missed the whole point of calling it “The Vagina Monologues” and the message behind the whole show…

ATLANTIC BEACH, Fla. — A modified marquee in which “Hoohaa” replaced a word in the title of a play after a driver complained about finding the previous wording offensive continues to draw attention.

The marquis for Atlantic Theaters advertises a number of plays including, the Masquerade Ball, Band Jam, and now The Hoohaa Monologues.Some said hoohaa is a strange word and that its definition depends on its context, while others said it sounds like a country band, according to the WJXT-TV report.

However, it’s not a band at all. In fact, most people know hoohah by a different name — vagina, WJXT-TV reported.”We got a complaint about this play The Vagina Monologues,” said Bryce Pfanenstiel, of the Atlantic Theater.The Hoohah Monologues is a replacement title for The Vagina Monologues — a well-known play about that part of the female body.

“We decided we would just use child slang for it. That’s how we decided on Hoohah Monologues,” Pfanenstiel said.

They did this after a driver who saw it complained to the theater, saying she was upset that her niece saw it.

“I’m on the phone and asked ‘What did you tell her?’ She’s like, ‘I’m offended I had to answer the question,'” Pfanenstiel said.

Some parents said they applaud the title change.

The theater said they’re trying not to offend anyone, but the publicity doesn’t hurt.

“We hope people understand we’re trying to do the right thing. But as far as doing it for attention, we’re a comedy club, we do all kinds of shenanigans,” Pfanenstiel said.

The play is being brought to the theater by a group of law school students and all of the proceeds are going to various charity organizations.

The director of the play said she was going ask the theater and comedy club to return the title back to its original name.

Well, obviously a young girl should not know the name of part of her anatomy. Obviously knowing the word would encourage her to become a sexual deviant and some kind of perverse immoral person. We should keep the fact of the vagina secret, it’s clearly such an evil thing that it must never be spoken of publically… The whole point of the actual play is wrong!

Uh-huh, right… =P

Mark

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Russian soldiers as male prostitutes?

Evidently Russian soldiers are being forced into male prostitution…

The Russian military is reported to be investigating claims that army conscripts were forced to work as male prostitutes in St Petersburg.

The command of the interior ministry unit denied the claims made by the Soldiers’ Mothers human rights group.

The group says it was contacted by a parent of a conscript who had been forced to work as a male prostitute.

Last year, an 18-year-old soldier was so badly beaten that he had to have his legs and genitals amputated.

The BBC’s James Rodgers in Moscow says the latest claims follow a series of scandals which have damaged the Russian army’s reputation.

A spokeswoman for the Soldiers’ Mothers, Ella Polyakova, told the BBC that in St Petersburg there was “a network of clients” who would pay for sex with soldiers.

Older servicemen are said to have forced younger conscripts into prostitution and then taken the money for themselves.

Brutality

The Sychev bullying case drew worldwide attention to Russian army abuses.

Private Andrei Sychev was forced to squat for several hours by fellow soldiers and then tied to a chair and brutally beaten up last year.

As a result he developed gangrene in his legs and genitals, which had to be amputated.

Now permanently disabled, Pte Sychev has just announced that he is to write a book about his ordeal.

Such cases have highlighted the appalling conditions suffered by some Russian service personnel at a time when Russia is seeking a greater role on the world stage, our correspondent says.

Wow, no amount of vodka will tend to that kind of wounded pride. Having your legs cut off is a terrible fate, having the family jewels removed is possibly worse, suffering both is just incredibly awful.

It probably wouldn’t be so bad if women were paying to have sex with them, but more likely it would be other men who’d come sodomize them… That blows.

Mark

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Stem Cells for natural breast enhancement!

Yep, it seems Stem Cells can be used to boost breast size. From repairing severed spinal cords, to complete tissue regeneration of a man’s jaw, and now to tit enhancement. Is there anything stem cells can’t do?

Scientists in Japan claim to be able to increase the size of a woman’s breasts using fat and stem cells.

The technique uses fat from the stomach or thigh which is then enriched with stem cells before being injected.

It is hoped the method could prove a more natural-looking alternative to artificial implants filled with salt water or silicone.

But plastic surgeons working in Britain have greeted news of the technique with “extreme caution.”

Kotaro Yoshimura, a surgeon at the Tokyo University medical school, said more than 40 patients had been treated.

The enhanced breasts are soft and natural, so they are the patient’s “real” breasts Cellport Clinic Yokohama

Mr Yoshimura said he believed the stem cell and fat combination, which can increase a woman’s cupsize by two sizes, was a success.

“There have been no serious complications,” he said.

During the operation, surgeons suck fat cells from the stomach or thigh, and this “slurry” is enriched so that there are higher numbers than usual of stem cells.

These are “master” cells which are capable of making new fat cells.

When the enriched stem cell mixture is combined with normal fat tissue, it can then be injected into the breast area.

More natural look

The treatment aims to offer a softer more natural look than traditional silicone implants.

Mr Yoshimura said the he believed combining stem cells with fat gave an improved result.

He said breast enlargement using fat and stem cells did not create a lumpy effect.

Lots of small particles were added rather than “one big lump”.

Cellport Clinic Yokohama in Japan are currently the only ones to provide the treatment.

The clinic website claims: “The enhanced breasts are soft and natural, so they are the patient’s “real” breasts.”

Consultant Norman Waterhouse said he had concerns about such a procedure.

He said: “It would be incorrect to suggest that a breast implant equivalent could grow from stem cells alone, and fat transfer, which is not a new procedure, can still lead to complications and give a lumpy effect.”

“This appears to be a rather optimistic view of what is yet a theoretical approach.”

Consultant Rajiv Grover added: “We greet this news with extreme caution.”

However, Adam Searle, past president of British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons said the development should not be dismissed.

“There is exciting potential but no reality in practical terms at the moment.

“The stem cell ‘soup’ is too non-specific to really focus on what you want.”

Stem Cell research really is an amazing and astonishing thing. Sure it’s just potential and speculative at this point, but it would nevertheless be awesome! Boobs that are fake but real, actual fatty tissue instead of plastic bags, yay.

I’m sure this would convince plenty of women to go for it, so we’d see bigger breasts all around!

At the very least this is good publicity for stem cell research. If only they’d develop it further, and then we’d have to see it allowed in America which is decidedly anti-stem cells.

Mark

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Boy runs away from homework!

Boy runs away from homeworkA 10-year-old boy stowed away on a train and ran away from home in China – because he had too much homework.Xu Zhiqiang, 10, from Cili town, Hunan province, ended up thousands of miles away from home, reports Information Times.

He said he could not cope with the amount of homework he was expected to complete during the one month winter holiday.

Xu said: “Each of us has to finish two thick books of homework. Take the mathematics homework as an example, it has 100 pages with all kinds of questions.”

To make matters worse, Xu’s mom found a mistake on one question and punished him by getting him to correct the mistake and copy the right answer 100 times.

After copying it 50 times, an exhhausted Xu ran out of his home and hopped onto a train.

“I stayed under the seat a day and a night during which I transferred trains as all people did and finally I didn’t know where I had come to,” he said.

Xu had reached Guangzhou station, thousands of miles from home, where a station policeman found him the next day.

He could not remember his telephone number – or even his full address – but eventually the policeman managed to contact his worried parents.

The boy’s father, Xu Yueping, said: “We were going desperate. The whole town was out looking for him. Now we finally can breathe normally.”

The funny thing is the picture. Look at that kid, he’s smiling and wearing a military hat while the guy who’s next to him (the hat owner?) is smiling broadly as well. They’re treating this kid like some kind of celebrity hero, some child who escaped a horrible fate, wrestled with death, and saved his entire family in the process. This kid is being celebrated for running away from his homework!

I avoided homework too! Sure I wasn’t hiding in trains and didn’t wind up thousands of miles away, but the principle was the same. Why can’t I get a parade?

Crazy kids.

Mark

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Man tries to get in jail for eating chocolate

Hey sometimes you just need to make a point:

AMSTERDAM, Feb 9 (Reuters Life!) – A Dutch journalist asked an Amsterdam court on Friday to convict him for eating chocolate, saying by doing so he was benefiting from child slavery on cocoa farms in Ivory Coast.

Teun van de Keuken, 35, is seeking a jail sentence to raise consumer awareness and force the cocoa and chocolate industry to take tougher measures to stamp out child labor.

“If I am found guilty of this crime, any chocolate consumer can be prosecuted after that. I hope that people would stop buying chocolate and thus hurt the sales of big corporations and make them do something about the problem,” van de Keuken said.

Ivory Coast, the world’s No. 1 cocoa producer which has been racked by instability since a brief 2002 civil war, is the target of allegations by international rights groups that children are working as slaves on its cocoa plantations.

Van de Keuken launched his attempt to be charged for eating chocolate two years ago when the Dutch public prosecutor ruled that it was not a case for the courts and that the journalist was not directly involved with the cocoa business.

On Friday, he appealed against the prosecutor’s decision before a court which is expected to rule in April.

The journalist traveled to Burkina Faso to track down former child slaves who he said were sold by their impoverished parents or lured by merchants to work on Ivory Coast farms.

Van de Keuken said he has now brought one of these former child slaves to testify in court against him.

“We profit from these people and they get almost nothing in return. As consumers we are also responsible for these atrocities,” van de Keuken told Reuters.

He urged consumers to choose fair trade chocolate but warned it was often difficult to trace the origin of cocoa beans.

The Netherlands is the biggest importer and processor of cocoa beans in the European Union, which accounts for 40 percent of global cocoa processing.

“I cannot deny that there are issues with child labor but it is totally wrong to call it slavery,” said Robert Zehnder, secretary general of the European Cocoa Association (ECA). “We work with governments and NGOs to address the problem.”

David Zimmer from the CAOBISCO industry association said boycotts of chocolate would hurt farmers in west Africa as 10 million people depended on cocoa for their livelihood.

Members of the global chocolate and cocoa industry signed an accord in late 2001 for the introduction of a certification system by July 2005 that would enable customers to choose chocolate produced without abusive labor practices. But, to the frustration of rights groups, deadlines have been slipping.

Man it would suck if they created a judicial precedent where you couldn’t eat chocolate… that would especially suck for Valentine’s Day. And I bet some of the good danish food (especially their desserts) would really suck without chocolate ingredients…

Mark

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James Bond sucks at parking!

As a long time Bond fan, this is painful on several levels.

Dozy parker

Daniel Craig is reportedly causing amusement in Hollywood – with his attempts to park his new car.

The James Bond star has bought one of the largest 4x4s on the road, reports the Sun.

But locals say he is struggling to learn to park the 2.5 tonne Cadillac Escalade against the kerb.

One resident was quoted as saying: “I’ve driven past it three times recently parked awkwardly – hanging off the pavement.

“It’s become a real talking point in Hollywood. Daniel has a reputation as a proper action man so it’s funny to think he’s struggling to park.”

Not only does the new Bond suck at parking, but he’s driving around in a Cadillac Escalade? While this isn’t quite as bad as when Bond is driving a Ford in Casino Royale (ugh), you’d think driving around an Aston Martin would have convinced him to get one of those instead.

I mean, an actor like that could really get any kind of badass sports car, or even a number of moderately awesome cars. But an Escalade? A massive, gas-guzzling, 2 and a half ton PoS? I’m sure it’s comfortable and makes you feel powerful, but come on Craig!

I guess we should’ve known that Bond doesn’t park SUVs very well, and if you’ve seen Casino Royale you know what I’m talking about. But it’s still a bad car and not something he should be trying to park with in the first place.

Although the fact that he does suck at parking does, in turn, suck. Sure Desmond Llewelyn (Q) couldn’t figure out gadgets or cars to save his life, but Bond needs to be at least capable of parking…

Mark

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Man steals police car because he’s too tired to walk

Yep. Too tired to walk home, he steals a patrol car.

TOKYO, Feb 6 (Reuters Life!) – A Japanese man told police he stole a patrol car that had been left idling outside a post office in Gunma, north of Tokyo, because he was too tired to walk home.

Police officers had left the vehicle in the car park with the engine running, while they investigated a report that a stolen card had been used at the post office, the Mainichi newspaper said on Tuesday.

“I came out shopping by train, but I got tired walking, so I thought I would drive the police car home,” the man told police.

He was apprehended about 15 minutes later in the driveway of a private home, about 4 kms (2.5 miles) from the post office, the Mainichi said.

And they say we Americans are lazy!

Or maybe he just thought it could transform into a giant robot and simply drove it home when that didn’t work out.

Mark

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Prison hostage released for some pizza!

Hostage released for pizzaAn Australian prison guard held hostage for two days was released after a ransom demand for pizzas was met.Up to 20 inmates at the Risdon Prison in Hobart, Tasmania, seized the guard in a protest over conditions in the maximum security jail.

Initially they made 24 demands to authorities, but eventually gave up their hostage after agreeing to 15 pizzas, Coke and garlic bread instead.

“At midnight, the final sticking point with the inmates was that they were requiring pizzas to be delivered. Our staff member was negotiated out with the delivery of 15 pizzas,” Graeme Barber, Tasmania’s director of prisons, told The Advocate newspaper.

The guard is recovering from his ordeal at home.

I guess sometimes you just really get a strong craving for pizza. I hope they at least asked for good pizza.

Mark

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